Discouraged

Assalamualaikum. 

Last month I had myself sit for my final examination for my 2nd semester of my first year of studies in college. Alhamdulillah I had moderate marks for carry marks. Neither too high nor too low. =) Happy with that. Done. But then, to check my provisional results, I had some slights which affects my gpa for sure. LOL. To make such mistake in my favorite subject ever since, wasn't really easy to digest. So I took some time to digest, and my parent called to check with the school whether or not the result is right because I had my self pretty clear with the exam in one of the subjects. I had three bad results and all involving my core subjects. So, the school party claimed I failed to an F for the particular subject for exam. That was why I failed regardless of the fact that I had B+ for the carrying marks. Well. It is kinda weird but says dean,, past is past... so, past it is. I felt very bad, but then I had option to improve that is to repeat my examination, thank God. 

The day of registration, I had myself pretty motivated by the dean, I managed myself pretty well and after that, I stayed at the library of the campus. Well, I had plans on my studies but then it didn't work out pretty well. So I have to change them so that I can celebrate Eid Fitri like always and manage my family with our journey going back to our hometowns. Too bad I don't have time making cookies. Not even meringue. Not even cakes. =( It's okay. InsyaaAllah I have better plans for the next Eid celebration.Somehow, I'm grateful that I failed. Because I never failed in my entire life.  Maybe this would be my stepping stone to keep me moving forward. Allah has arranged everything the best for us. InsyaaAllah. My studies journey, my meet to my future husband, my very own family organisation, He has arranged them all well for me. Alhamdulillah. 

Discouraged. I felt so because of how the motivational environment is so not practiced. It is, but starts from discouraging, then only I get persuaded. Somehow, sometimes, when I get angry, I seem to see nothing but anger which I myself never liked and I never realized since when did this attitude grow in me. Often I hear, in the fasting month of Ramadhan, syaitans are tied and jailed away from human beings. So what is left is Nafs. And Ramadhan is the month which we can know who we really are. However, on this noble month, I see myself so badly negative. Bad mannered. Stone-hearted. Which is not really who I used to be back then. Ya Allah. For who I am today, for why I became so useless today, forgive me. Help me change. Also, I do not deserve a kind-hearted partner yet. I don't deserve Your nikmaat... Ya rabbi give me guidiance and don't You take it away as soon as u guide me to the right path. 

For being discouraged, I know Allah knows what is it in my heart. But still I want to write this so that I remember a mistake I made and to become a lesson to whomever reading. And for being so grumpy, I wish I will recover and become soft-hearted and kind again. And I wish not to become worse. Na'uthubillahi min azzaalik~

Allah ma'a kum. Wallahu Alam.. =)